a 2x4in "ham lunch"

Let’s face it, diets don’t work. Plain and simple. We’ve all seen those commercials with Dan Marino throwing a football, talking about how much he loves his perfectly portioned meals made just for men – “even eat burgers and pizza!” Have you actually seen what one of those meals looks like? See for yourself. Compare those customer photos to the beautiful pics on the official site. That’s modern marketing at its finest, my friends. And it has me purely convinced that NutriSystem is a scam.

Yay, lose weight by undereating!

I could not believe my eyes when I inspected the NutriSystem version of a hamburger. Flat, dried out, and looking like a kindergarden art project made from cardboard with sharpie marks for the “flame broiled” effect. Most of the products are cooked by “just adding water”.That has to be the most depressing weight loss program ever. Who in their right mind really wants to subject themselves to eating tiny portions of imitation food with a shelf life exceeding that of us mortal humans? I rummaged through a whole box of these “meals” in disgust, feeling pity on my poor friend who paid in excess of $300 for space food. Not only are the portions small and the food tasteless, the meat must be of the lowest possible USDA standards. Yuk!

Now, before we continue, let’s establish the difference between a diet and a lifestyle choice. Vegans and vegetarians make lifestyle choices. So do us less-meat-eaters. People with health problems have to commit to a diet so they can continue living on this planet. When I say diets suck, I’m referring strictly to the gimmicks that attempt to rule one of the most sacred parts of your life–what food you put in your body.

In honor of my poor friend who is staring at a plate of microwaved freeze-dried hamburger, I hereby declare the 8 reasons why your diet plan sucks:

1. You’re paying a fat tax.

   The most popular diets are created for profit. It’s all a slick marketing scheme exploiting a complex and sensitive human emotion—your body image. The diet inventor tells you what to eat while taking your money for books, packaged food, a membership plan, weight loss meetings, website subscriptions, and whatever else they can get away with. They’re laughing all the way to the bank, while taking pleasure in seeing how long their customers can stomach the torture of their masterfully marketed diet plan.

2. You’re being ordered what to eat or not eat.

   Duh. This should be obvious, but I think some people don’t get it. Someone discovers a new diet and thinks, “wow, I can lose all this weight, all I have to do is follow these simple instructions”. That trust gets misplaced into a company or figure whose own interests do not equal that of their dieting customer. Eating right just requires a little common sense. It’s actually quite simple: eat balanced meals, don’t overeat, and get proper exercise. That might be oversimplifying a bit, but isn’t that a whole lot easier than restricting your access to food?

3. Diets perpetuate laziness

   Why do people go on diets? Because they’re fat. Why are they fat? They eat too much and don’t exercise enough. What makes you think that following a diet plan is going to solve this problem? You need to change more than just what you eat. Find ways to be more active, and start small. Don’t buy a gym membership if you don’t like going to the gym. Take the stairs instead of the elevator. Go outside and take a walk in the morning. Walk the mall (just don’t buy anything). Invest in a treadmill. Go swimming. Have more sex. Find whatever physical activity that works for you, and turn it into a habit. Slowly incorporate more physical activities into your daily or weekly routine, and it will soon become part of who you are.

   Starting a diet without a fundamental lifestyle change is like taking a shower without soap or shampoo. You’re going through the motions, but your efforts don’t yield results. You’re just a wet, smelly, hopeless dieter.

4. Your body hates you for it

   Now that you’ve been on your new diet for a few weeks, you’re starting to wonder why you’re feeling groggy, having mood swings, constipated, losing color in your skin, hair falling out, penis shrinking, eyesight losing focus, out of breath, smell like death, even though you’ve lost a whole 15 pounds. Maybe those pounds you lost were the good pounds, the weight your body needs for energy and metabolism. Maybe you’ve taken the diet to the extreme and stopped eating any food with a shred of nutritional value. Meanwhile you’re probably not exercising, and you don’t want to stop the diet in fear of gaining back all that weight. This is exactly when you need to stop that diet, before you end up in a hospital.

5. Your friends, if you have any, will quietly laugh and mock you

   Diets are humiliating. It’s shameful to admit that you must restrict what you put in your mouth because you can’t trust yourself to eat the right foods in moderation. Going on a diet gives the appearance of low self esteem and self discipline; it’s certainly not appealing to anyone that might be remotely interested in you.

6. You’re setting yourself up for failure

   Unless you have the will power of an Olympic athlete, chances are you will cheat on your diet repeatedly. So why even bother with the diet to begin with? Instead, why not make conscious decisions about the food you put in your body? If you have enough determination to go on a diet in the first place, focus that energy on a sustainable, life-long commitment to eating healthier, fresher food, and cut out the excess.

7. There are easier (and cheaper!) ways to lose weight

   Don’t buy another book, membership plan, tv offer, or anything else promising you the secrets to weight loss. Your ability to lose weight relies solely on your power of self control. Learn how to read a nutritional facts label. Learn how to shop the outer edges of the grocery store. For a true life-changing experience, visit a health food store. Pay attention to your portion sizes, at home and especially at a restaurant. Learn how to order grilled, not fried or crispy food when eating out. Try substituting those fries for a garden salad or grilled veggies. Avoid eating out as much as possible. Control your cravings for desserts and fatty foods. Don’t snack on junk food all day. Eat small snacks consisting of fruit, veggies, or a handful of your favorite nuts. Eating smaller portions more often will help curb your appetite and lead you to eat less at mealtime. These are all simple, practical, steps to take for a no-nonsense, pragmatic approach to healthy living. Don’t be so obsessed with the numbers on the scale, and don’t expect fast results either. Your body takes time to adjust to changes in your eating habits. What’s important is that you’re eating healthy, feeling good, and getting proper exercise. The weight loss will come as a natural result of your new lifestyle change.

8. Maybe you’re just meant to be fat

   If you’re on a diet because you were forced into it from someone else, or you felt guilt tripped or ashamed into starting a diet, or you’re paying for a weight loss program only to pretend to that you’re trying to lose weight, ditch the diet. Some people are naturally fat, God made them that way and there’s no changing it. Would John Belushi have been as funny if he were a slim, muscular jock body type? I highly doubt it. There is absolutely nothing wrong with naturally being a little overweight, just as there is nothing wrong with being naturally skinny. Everyone’s body chemistry, metabolism, bone structure is different. Heck, even if you’re a lot overweight, and that’s just who you are, don’t let anyone try to change it. Understand the health risks and be honest with yourself about your weight. Look yourself in the mirror and be happy with your body. Every single person is capable of change if it’s what they truly desire. If they don’t, they’ll just keep dieting.

If you’re ready to try a lifestyle change and make your eating habits part of something bigger than yourself (figuratively speaking of course), take the pledge to eat less meat.You’ll save money, help the environment, reform industrial food conglomerates, and most importantly, lead a healthier life.